《G型教主》
谜
生活冲劲
黑人
败坏
性感女郎
无疱疹烦扰
大家好 我是布鲁诺 What's up? I'm bruno.
我住在奥地利最酷的城市维也纳 没啥大不了 I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna. No big deal. Whatever.
我是新潮一代的节目主持人 I am the host of Funkyzeit,
它是所有说德语的国家里 The most important tvTV fashion show
最火热的时尚类电视节目 In any German-speaking country,
除了德国 Apart from Germany.
新潮一代极具影响力 Funkyzeit is uber influential.
事实上 In fact,
澳洲的时尚达人都追随我的潮流脚步 Austrian fashionistas live their lives according to my "in or out" list.
入流 自我主义 In! Autism.
过时 衣原体 Aus. Chlamydia.
为什么个人主义一度盛行 Why is autism so cool at the moment?
-因为它很有趣 -很好 - Because it's funny. - Great.
新潮一代采访了许多 Through funkyzeit, ich have done interviews
欧洲时尚圈的人 Mit everyone in the euro-fashion world.
你可以望着镜头说(Kunal Nayyer 设计师) Can you look into this camera and just say,
"你正在收看由布鲁诺主持的新潮一代"吗? "You're watching funkyzeit mit Bruno"?
你正在收看由布鲁诺主持的新潮一代 You are watching funkyzeit programme with Bruno,
这是个很棒的节目 And it's really a great show.
过得去 Yeah, that's cool.
你可以表现得更像个黑人吗? Can you do it, like, even more like a kind of black guy?
你知道 像个非洲人一样... You know, like an afrikanischer...
-像这样吗 -对 对 对 - Like this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
你正在收看由布鲁诺主持的新潮一代 You are watching Funkyzeit programme with Bruno.
嘿 伙计 去你的 欢迎来到野兽世界 Yo, man. fuck, man. welcome to the jungle.
也许该更疯狂点 Something maybe a bit more crazy.
露些肉之类什么的 Maybe show a bit of skin or something like that.
-还是免了 -或者是球袋里的 - No, I don't think so. - Or what about just like one kugelsack?
其中一颗睾丸? One of the balls?
来自米兰的时尚街头 And the most exciting and amazing thing in the town,
镇上最激动人心的一刻到了 献给德国女孩们 From the fashion streets of Milan, only for the german girls,
我诱人的毛发 My great hairs.
嘿 伙计 Yo, man.
许多人以为模特是份很简单的工作 Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.
其实那是世界上最难的工作 不是吗 But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?
非常困难 整天穿着高跟鞋 所有人都在看你 It's very hard. Standing in heels all day, and everyone's watching you,
你必须确保自己走得好看 So you have to make sure your walk is good. and, yeah.
确实很困难 因为你必须记得 Yeah, it's really hard, 'cause you've gotta remember, like,
先迈出左脚再迈出右脚 To put your right leg forward and then put your left leg forward
然后想轮到哪只脚了 And then, like, which one now?
再迈出右脚 然后左脚 Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.
有时候你还必须转弯 And then sometimes you even have to turn.
是的 尤其是转弯 非常惊险 Yeah. and especially the turn. it's so scary.
身为新潮一代的主持人 Being the host from Funkyzeit
布鲁诺永远坐在第一排 Means bruno's always seated on the front row.
嗨 你好吗 Hi. How are you?
你该减肥了 You have to lose some weight.
五十步笑百步 the kettle is calling the pot black.
肩膀往后仰 这是场时尚秀 不是奴隶拍卖会 Put your shoulders back. this is a fashion show, not a slave auction.
我的私人助理库克是我的坚强后盾 My personal assistant, Kookus, is my rock.
他也是我的形象顾问 He's also mein stylist.
-你觉得这副墨镜太夸张吗 -是的 是我就不会戴 - Do you think the glasses are too much? - Yeah, I'd lose them.
他们就好像在说"看啊" They're too much like, "look at me.
"快看啊 看着我 看着我的墨镜" "Hey, everybody, look at me. look at my glasses."
-没错 -几乎所有人都会盯着我的墨镜 -Yeah. -"Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."
他还是我的营养师 He's also my nutritionist.
是的 很好 Yeah, that is good.
我还有一个助手 但我不记得他的名字 I have a second assistant, but ich can't remember its name.
布鲁诺生命中有两次真爱 Bruno has known true love twice in his life.
第一次跟米立与万尼立的米立持续了七分钟 Once, for seven minutes with milli from milli und vanilli.
管他呢 随便了 No big deal. Whatever.
但在最近九年中 我跟名叫狄塞耳的 But for the last nine years, ich have been head uber heels in love
矮小的空服人员坠入了爱河 Mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.
我们就像普通的夫妇一样 We're just like an ordinary couple,
你知道 无聊的 整天闷在家里那种 You know, boring, stay-at-home types.
噢 天啊 我感觉到了 你变大了 Oh, my god. I feel it. you're getting so big.
-你想要多少 -半杯就够了 不然我会发酒疯 - How much do you want? - Just half a glass. otherwise I get too giggly.
在2008年的9月 我去参加米兰时尚周 In september 2008, I left for milan fashion week
去拍摄新一季的新潮一代 To shoot a new season of funkyzeit.
布鲁诺得到最火热的普拉达秀的后台访问许可 Bruno had backstage access for the hottest show of the week, de la prada.
所以我翻箱倒柜 找到 So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,
一件全是魔术贴料子的衣服 A suit made entirely out of velcro.
我穿着这件 I'm wearing this.
只是个雏形 This is a prototype.
这是一件由弗列德里克·沃尔姆制造的魔术贴衣服 It's a velcro suit made by frederic worms.
-哇 -很酷对吧 - Wow. - Pretty cool, right?
是啊 我爱不释手 能给我做一件吗 It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?
-这只是个雏形 仅此一件 -好吧 - Well, it's a prototype. it's a one-off. -okay.
-谢谢你 -好的... - Thank you. -Yeah. okay...
-还有... -你可以出去了吗 -Also... yeah. -Can you go out, please?
我们会出去 但别推我 We'll get out, but don't push me.
不 听着 我们还没采访完 Yeah. okay, no listen. We haven't finished the thing.
-你现在就出去 -好的 -You go out now. -Yeah.
好的 等一下 Yeah, wait a second.
把这个拿开 Take... get this off...
停下 Stop!
-谢谢你 -有人能帮帮忙吗 -Thank you. -Can someone help this guy?
你可以... Can you take...
等等 帮我拿下来 帮我拿下来 Wait. Get me out of this. Get me out of this.
布鲁诺被逐出场 Bruno was Aus.
本世纪第二次 For the second time in a century,
奥地利又一最伟大的男人被逮捕了 The world had turned on austria's greatest man
仅仅因为他勇于创新 Just because he was brave enough to try something new.
-不 -好的 - No. - Okay.
布鲁诺入了黑名单 Bruno was schwarz-listed.
-我应该坐第一排 -没门 - I'm on the front row. - I don't think so.
你不能进去 You can't come in.
你不记得我了吗 You don't remember me?
我来这里14次了 I've been here 14 times.
很抱歉 I'm sorry.
我们上了9次床 We had sex 9 times.
很抱歉 I'm sorry.
你差点让我的脸怀孕了 You tried to make my face pregnant.
更糟的是 Und worst of all...
我被新潮一代解雇了 ...Ich was fired from Funkyzeit.
那天晚上我发现 Ich realised that night that the
时尚圈是如此肤浅和空洞 Fashion world was superficial und vacuous.
所以我决定去洛杉矶成为一个名人 So, I decided instead to go to Los Angeles to become a celebrity.
我将成为自希特勒以来奥地利最耀眼的明星 Ich was going to be the biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.
-什么 -我不去 - What? - I'm not coming.
-为什么 -因为你不入流 你让我颜面无存 - Why not? - Because you out. You humiliate me.
-抱歉让你丢脸了 -好了 我要走了 - I'm so sorry I humiliate you. - Okay. gotta go.
再见 宝贝 我爱你 Bye, baby, I love you.
狄塞耳 我爱你 狄塞耳 Diesel, I love you. diesel.
我跟你一起去 I'll come with you.
你谁啊 Who are you?
我叫卢茨 I'm Luts.
我是你助手的助手 I'm your assistant's assiatant.
让我跟你一起去洛杉矶吧 Let me come with you to Los Angelas.
我会帮你成名的 I'll help you get famous.
我为什么要带上一个 Why would I take someone
完全无法胜任这份工作的人 Who is totally unqualified for this job?
因为我认为 Because I think that...
你棒极了 You're amazing.
你会趁我睡着的时候对着我手淫吗 Am I going to wake up to find you masturbating over me?
我保证不会弄醒你 I promise not to wake you up.
我到了洛杉矶 Lch arrived in la
巧妙地躲过了狗仔的追踪 Und cunningly avoided being snapped by the waiting paparazzi.
请不要拍照 No photos, please.
你想亲手制造另一个戴安娜的悲剧吗 Do you want another Diana on your hands?
我的计划是成为 Mein plan was to become
继施瓦辛格后最著名的同性恋巨星 The biggest gay movie star since Schwarzenegger.
全速前进! Maximum santzgaut!
我正赶去和好莱坞经纪人进行第一次会面 Also, ich headed to my first meeting mit a hollywood uber agent.
我的名字叫布鲁诺 我出生在克拉根福 So my name's bruno. I was born in Klagenfurt.
今年19岁 你肯定知道我是新潮一代的主持人 I'm 19 years old. And, of course, you'll know me as the host of funkyzeit.
好的 你想事业更上一层楼 Okay. well, I understand that you took a look at a side
现在 你看看这个甜心先生的剧本 That I wanted you to think about from the Jerry Maguire show.
可以的话 不妨试试 And I wouldn't mind hearing you try that out.
好的 非常好 Okay, great.
-"杰瑞进来了" -不 - "Jerry enters." - No.
-"桃乐丝坐着" -从"你好"那句开始 - "Dorothy seated." - Just start with the word "hello."
"你好 你好 "hello. hello.
"我在找我的妻子 "I'm looking for my wife!
-"闭嘴 女人们" 那是即兴创作 -好吧 - "shut up, women." That was improvisation. - Fine.
"我听不清你说什么也没法跟你一起笑" "l couldn't hear your voice or laugh about it with you."
-好了 停下... -不 等等 - All right, let me stop... Wait. - No, wait, wait. I...
暂停两分钟 就停在这里 Let me stop for two minutes. Let me stop you right there.
剧本并没有写 Nowhere in the script does it say
他停了很长时间才说话 He pauses for an inordinate period of time.
你找我是想拍故事片吧 You're here because you are looking to do feature films.
我想成为明星 I wanna be a star.
-哪方面的明星 -好莱坞电影巨星 - ln? - ln a huge Hollywood movie.
-你能做到吗 -不 - Can you make that happen? - No.
-什么 -我做不到 - What? - I definitely cannot.
但他额外给了我一个 But he did get me a starring role
当红电视节目的跑龙套角色 In a top tv show as an extra.
好了 下一幕 保持上一幕最后一个表情 All right, picture's next. Last looks, please.
准备 Set.
-背景 -开拍 - Background. - Action.
各位陪审团的女士们先生们 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
今天下午跟你们的谈话对我毫无乐趣可言 It gives me no pleasure at all to speak to you this afternoon.
正如你们所知 被告 The defendant, as you know,
在我们的市政局当审计长 已有12年 Has served our municipality for more than 12 years as city controller.
我们很痛心地发现他因欠巨债 So I was pained to learn that his debts
迫使他收受巨额贿款 Compelled him to accept hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.
-停 -表情不要太多 - Cut! - Just do a little bit less.
-多还是少 -少 - More or less? - Less.
-少一点 好的 -对 - Less. Okay. - Yeah.
谢谢你 Sure. Thank you.
-准备 -开拍 - Set. - Action.
各位陪审团的女士们先生们 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
今天下午与你们的谈话对我毫无乐趣可言 I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at all to speak to you this afternoon.
正如你们所知 在我们的市政局当审计长 As you know, the defendant has served our municipality as city controller
已有12年 For more than 12 years,
我私下也认识他很长时间了 And I have known him personally for most of that time.
我很痛心的发现 So I was very pained to learn that
他所欠下的债务迫使他收受贿款 His personal debts compelled him to accept bribes.
-停 -这个给我 - Cut! - Here, I'll take that.
-好的 -谢谢 - Okay. - Thank you.
抱歉 Sorry.
-再拍一次 -好的 - Should we just go again? - Okay.
正如你们所知 被告 As you know, the defendant
在我们的市政局当审计长 已有12年 Has served this municipality as city controller for more than 12 years,
我私下也认识他很长时间了 And I have personally known him for most of that time.
我非常痛心地发现 That is why I was very pained to learn...
停 抱歉 我觉得不该这样 可以再来一次吗 Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one. Could we go again?
你做演员太可惜了 The acting world is beneath you.
我们在洛杉矶 We're in L.A.
我们为什么不做个关于名人的节目呢 Why don't we make a show about celebrities?
是啊 我要访问世界上最耀眼的巨星 Yes, I will interview the biggest stars in the world.
为了节目我要打扮的漂亮些 I'd better look great for the show.
红粉菲菲 美体中心
你其实是我的第二选择 You were actually my second choice.
我本打算去莎玛·海雅克常去的那间美容院 I was going to go to the salon that maintains salma hayek's inner thighs,
但提供这项服务的团队未来四天都被预定了 But the team that do it were booked up for the next four days
因为她得了ELLE颁发的最具风格奖 Because she's got the ELLE style awards.
而他们说帮她的脱毛后累坏了 And they said they're, like, really, really exhausted after they do her.
帮莎玛·海雅克屁股除毛后累坏了吗 They're exhausted after they wax salma hayek?
她毛发肯定很多 She must have a lot of hair.
他们说除下来的毛都够填满一张床褥了 They say that after a waxing, there's enough to stuff a mattress.
说到直肠 让我开始帮你清理吧 Well. speaking of rectums, let's get you clean.
-好的 开始吧 -毛不太多 - Okay. there we go. - There's not much.
当然 Yeah, sure.
现在上面有除毛蜡了 There you go. Now there's wax in there.
有电话 Telephone.
-喂 -你好吗 伙计 - Hello? - Hey, how you doing, man?
劳埃德 嗨 你好吗 Lloyd, hi. How are you?
我刚跟电视台通了电话 I just got off the phone with the network.
他们答应拍你的节目了 They've agreed to do a screening.
太好了 是全额赞助吗 Great! Das is all maximum santzgaut!
两天 我让他们付了观众小组的钱 In two days. I got them to pay for a focus group for the show.
我想你刚刚刮了我的屁眼 I think you just scraped my anus.
是的 我在帮你清理 I did. I got you clean.
我的屁眼在发热 这正常吗 My stinker is slightly burning. Is that normal?
什么 What?
不 那个女人是...我在沙龙里 No, that was to the lady who is... I'm in the salon, yes.
你刚刚在清洗我的屁眼 She's just washing my arschwitz.
你觉得我们会想出具体方案吗 Is there any way we can get something together enough to put it on?
-当然 -好了 我现在就打给他们 - Okay, sure. - All right. I'm gonna call them right now.
你在用凡士林吗? Are you using vaseline?
不 是乳液 No, lotion.
你能把你的手指从我屁眼里拿出来吗 Could you take your finger out of my arschenholer?
好的 我认为我们说完了 All right. I think, guys, we're finished.
又来了 Once again,
"你可以把手指从我屁眼里拿出来吗" "Can you take my finger, your finger out of my ass,"
他在电话里说了两次 Is what the guy just said on the phone.
不 劳埃德 我不是跟你说的 No, lloyd, I was not speaking to you.
我在跟那个女士说 I was just talking to the woman here.
谁有录音 Who's got the audio?
我想拿回录音 我想让你听听 I want to hear the audio back. I want you to hear...
这个傻子说了什么 I want you to hear what this fool is saying.
再放一次 他说什么 他的屁眼 Play it back. Talking about what? His asshole.
今晚晚些时候 我要和宝拉·阿巴杜见面 I've booked Paula Abdul for later today.
太酷了! Awesome!
家具在哪里 But where's the furniture?
别担心 Don't worry.
我叫他们今天先别送过来 因为要进行采访 I told them not to bring it today, because of the interview.
没有家具宝拉要坐哪里 Without furniture, where's Paula going to sit?
你想毁了我吗 Are you trying to ruin me?
你们能安静些吗 Can you be quiet?
你好 可以进来一下吗 Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?
你们之中有谁想赚外快吗 Do any of you guys want to make some more money?
-嗨 你好吗 -嗨 - Hi. How are you? - Hi.
-我是布鲁诺 很高兴你能来 -很高兴见到你 - I'm bruno. Great to have you here. - It's nice to meet you.
进来坐吧 Come and sit on our great furniture.
他们是来自墨西哥的板凳人 These are our mexican chair people.
黛米·摩尔家也有两个 Demi moore has two of them in her house.
坐下吧 Yeah, if you sit here.
坐在那个上面 If you sit on that one.
跟我谈谈你的人道主义活动 Also, so tell me about your humanitarian work.
你觉得帮助别人对你来说有多重要呢 How important is it for you to help other people?
帮助别人对我的人生意义重大 Helping other people is so vital to my life.
就像空气和水一样 It's like the air that I breathe and the water that I drink.
-请喝杯水 -对我来说非常重要 - Please, have some water. - It is extremely, extremely important for me.
你付出了爱心肯定会得到爱的回报 You give love to other people and you get love back in spades.
我认为这就是我的人生 And I just feel like that's been my life.
很好 你一定饿了 我们吃点东西吧 Great. You must be hungry. Let's bring in some food.
天啊 Oh, my god.
吃点 这不太适合我 Have some. Yeah, this is really bad for me.
对不起 我觉得这样不太好 I'm sorry. This is really not good.
我们要走了 We're leaving.
请回来 能回来吗 Come back, please. Can you please come back?
是 是 我理解 但是我觉得 Yes, yes, I understand. but I was thinking...
好的 但 好 好 好 Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay.
是的 谢谢 Yes. Thank you.
宝拉的公关说 我们被列入黑名单
真泄气
这些人呢
吹牛老爹(肖恩·康姆斯) Puffy Vater?
他不会来
瑞茜·威瑟斯彭 Reese Eitterspinzel?
史蒂夫·汪德 Stevie Wunderbar?
威尔·史密斯 Wilhelm Schmidt?
布拉德·皮特 Bradolf Pittler?
一个名人也没有我怎么做节目
别担心 我们还有24小时呢
(第二天 观众小组审评日)
我觉得通过这次评审 I think this focus group is really gonna be
对我们了解观众反应很有裨益 a very interesting example of how it's gonna play out.
我将会采访哈里森·福特 I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.
-非常好 非常好 -是啊 -Very good. Very good. -Yes.
你大概已经知道了 So, you probably already know,
我们今天要看一个新电视节目 today we're going to be looking at a new TV show,
布鲁诺社会名流访谈记 A-list celebrity max out mit Bruno.
-您好 我是劳埃德·罗宾森 -劳埃德 我是丹尼·邦德 -Howdy, I'm Lloyd robinson. -Lloyd, Denny Bond.
你好 你好 太好了 Hi. Hi. Great.
我和劳埃德好久没聊了 Me and Lloyd, we haven't actually spoke since the other day
自几天前我过了肛门美白 when I was getting my anus bleached.
我们可以不谈这个 We won't go there, please.
-不谈这个 -那个在电话里 -we won't go there. Yeah. -That was a very
谈论起来比较麻烦 Difficult issue on the phone.
这次对节目的打分很重要 And it's very important what scores you give it,
因为如果分数超过85 because if the show scores over an 85%,
公司可能会采纳 所以好好看 the network's obviously gonna be very interested. So take a look.
-当然 -恭喜了 -Absolutely. -Congratulations.
谁将会遍访名人榜呢 我 Who's ready to max out with loads of celebrities? I am.
这里是社会名人访谈节目 Because this is A-list celebrity max out.
接下来是哈里森·福特专访
-你好 -你好 谢谢你邀请我 How are you? -Great. Thank you for having me.
好的 这也是节目的一部分 Okay, so this is the part of the show,
未来花朵栏目 要是有人怀孕了 It's called future kinder. People who are pregnant,
我们就去拿她的B超图 we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.
-非常好 -噢 -It's totally great. -Okay.
这是布兰妮的妹妹 我记不起她的名字了 Okay, it is Britney's sister. I can't even remember her name.
-她叫什么来着 -杰米·林恩 -What's her name? -Jamie Lynn.
杰米·林恩·斯皮尔斯 她很出名吗 Jamie Lynn Spears. I mean, is she a celebrity?
不 No.
我们来看看她怀了个啥 Okay, let's see what she's got in her stomach.
好的 你觉得那是什么 穷白佬人家的孩子 All right. What do you think there? Is that a white-trash foetus?
是啊 当然 Yeah. Totally.
她举着手颇有几分A级名人气质啊 She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.
有报道说 你应该是C级名人吧 是吗 Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb. Am I right?
还低一级 我觉得 应该是D级 Worse. I think, like, D.
你觉得这个孩子智障吗 Do you think this kid is retarded?
因为手看起来太大了 Definitely the hands look way too big,
还有耳朵 好像还没怎么发育好 and the ears, like, have not been developed yet.
-是啊 你觉得该留下还是堕掉 -堕掉 -Yeah, so keep it or abort it? -Abort it.
现在是哈里森·福特专访秀 And now, my exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford
还有几分钟时间 先来段布鲁诺式流行舞 Is only moments away. But first, some more dancing mit Bruno.
好了 大家期盼的时刻终于到了 That's right. It's the time you've all been waiting for.
现在是我对哈里森·福特的一对一专访 It's my one-on-one, exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.
-我现在是跟哈里森·福特在一块 -滚开 -Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford. -Fuck off!
那是什么 What's that?
本人滴 That's actually mine.
-再来点香槟 -不用了 谢谢 -More champagne? -No, I'm fine, thanks.
布鲁诺 Bruno!
最后这段是劳埃德的主意 The end bit was Lloyd's idea.
最后是什么 劳埃德的主意 The last bit was? Lloyd's?
若用一句话来描述这个节目 So if you could describe this show in one sentence...
你们怎么描述 Can anybody give me one sentence?
-请讲 -我见过的最垃圾的节目 -Go ahead. -The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.
肯定会有一个人不同意 There's always one who's against it. Those...
不管什么方案策划 总会有那么个人 In any group, there's always one.
什么样的变态能想出这样的节目 What sick human being came up with something like this?
通常都会有两个人的 总会有两个人 Well, there's always two. There's always two.
我情愿用针戳瞎我的双眼 I wanted to poke my eyes out with hot needles.
你可以从我这借针 You'd have to borrow the needles from me.
劳埃德 我们需要分散他注意力 Lloyd, we need to distract him
-好让他听不见 -不行 不行 -from listening to this. -You can't. You can't.
-我们让他分心 -不行 -We need to distract him. -You can't.
-吻我 -不 -kiss me. -No.
任何正常人都不会做这样的节目 No logical person would consider a show like this
除非他他们精神失常或道德沦丧 Unless they had some sort of a mental or moral defect.
一无是处 Everything.
天呢 Oh, my god.
让我看看 Let me have a look at those.
主持人真是个无用的白痴 "The host is a talentless idiot."
无用的白痴会跳这样的舞吗 Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?
-我觉得会 -是的 是的 -I would say that it is. yeah, yeah.
拜托 你要去哪 Please, where you going?
拜托 这是我的工作 我耗尽血本 Please, this is my career. I put all my money into this.
评语:比生癌还惨
节目没通过
你为什么还跟我在一块儿
我什么都不是 也许我该回奥地利
不 你很了不起
这个人唯一的成名之路就是去拍性录像
卢茨 给我找些名人来 我们做性录像
我身边这位是国会议员罗恩·保罗 I'm here with congressman Ron Paul,
也就是2008年的总统候选人 who was the 2008 presidential candidate.
告诉我 您通常怎么着装 So tell me, who are you wearing?
我也不知道 因为通常都是按照惯例 Well, I don't even know because it's pretty conventional.
就是普普通通的那样 And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.
但给大家的感觉往往比较正式 But the message is not ordinary.
对不起 布鲁诺先生 我们一盏灯坏了
我们先修理一下 你们要不先到隔壁休息一下
当然 Sure.
-您要不要来点香槟 -无所谓 算了 -Do you want some champagne? -I don't care for any. No.
现在没有冰桶 但是我知道怎样储存 There's no ice bucket, but I know a good place to put it.
您很上镜 以前经常做过电视节目吗 Yeah, you were great in there. Have you done a lot of television before?
这几年断断续续的就没怎么停过 Well, off and on throughout the years.
去年 做的比较多 This last year, a tremendous amount.
-当然 -做过很多 -sure. -I do a lot of them.
要不要来些草莓 Do you want some strawberries
-或者来些牡蛎 -不 不用了 -or maybe some oysters? -No, I'm okay.
如果不介意的话 我点几根蜡烛 I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.
好让您放松一下 Really loosens you up.
有没有人说过 您长得挺像安里奎·伊格莱希亚斯 Has anyone ever told you you look like Enrique Lglesias?
当然没有 您看起来更帅 Of course not. You're much cuter.
我很喜欢音乐 I love music.
在工作室里 On stereo
跳舞 我以前是跳舞的 and dancing. I used to be a dancer.
-好了 滚出去 -什么 -All right! Get out of here! -What?
-好了 到此为止 怎么了 -All right, this has ended. What's going on?
那个家伙是个死同性恋 居然把衣服都脱了 That guy is queerer than the blazes. He took his clothes off.
我们走 Let's get going.
-怎么了 -他是个同性恋 是个疯子 What happened? -He's queer. He's crazy.
他居然对我有意思 还把衣服脱了 He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.
我还没来得及搞罗恩·保罗呢 I couldn't even schtupp Ron Paul.
我怎么才能出名呢 How would I become well famous?
我打算向我认识的牛人们取取经 Ich decided to seek advice from the wisest guy I'd ever known.
我想同米立谈谈 I wanna speak to Milli
米立与万尼立乐队组合的 From the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.
他在天堂俱乐部吗 是不是在VIP包间吗 Is he in heaven? And if so, is he in the VIP section there?
他只说周围都是繁花绿叶 He says he's in a place with green trees and flowers.
我能问问他 看他有什么建议吗 Can I ask him if he has any advice for me?
他说你可以做些 He says there's some sort of thing that you will set up,
比如成立个团体之类的事情 like a foundation or something,
加入的人越多当然越好 where there will be other people involved that will benefit.
哦 那个主意不错 我如果能做到 Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,
我肯定会出名 Then I'll definitely become world famous.
绝对的 Absolutely.
他总能让我兴奋 There's something that he could do that could make me incredibly happy.
-我能吻他了吗 -当然 -Can I kiss him now? -Of course.
祝你好运 Well, good luck with your life.
多亏米立 我现在终于想明白了 Thanks to Milli, Ich could now see clearly
尽管他喷得我满脸都是 despite having an eyeful of spucken.
搞慈善事业是出名的一个重要方式 Charity was a great way to become famous.
布鲁诺只要知道哪最需要帮助就行了 Also, Buno just needed to find the hottest world tragedy to fix.
我想搞一个不太费力的慈善会 I want a charity that doesn't involve too much effort,
但却意义非凡的那种 but is gonna really make a difference, you know,
能让我一夜成名 really put me into the A-list.
有没有什么东西 是你坚信不疑的 Is there something that you, like, that you believe in?
当然 我对很多都很在意 Well, I'm really into issues.
是啊 全球变暖问题正在加剧 Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse.
-所以 -太好了 -So... -Great.
现在我觉得 可以在这方面做点文章 Now, I think that would be... that's something to get involved now,
所以 只要我们能帮助减轻 So, we can just help ease the...
比如 帮助我们的后代 我们的未来 like, after us, in order to help for our future.
帮助所有人 In order for everyone...
这是一件比较有益的事情 It's just a beneficial thing to be involved with now.
我想为非洲人做点事 I'm really into doing something maybe for Africa.
-好啊 -那样还可以吗 -Okay. -Is that still cool or...
挽救濒危动物 那现在都有哪些濒危动物呢 Saving some kind of extinct animal. What's going extinct right now?
-我也不知道 比如大象 -可以做些手镯 -I don't know, like elephants or something. -And then make bracelets?
这不太好吧 没关系 我是说可以用... That's so bad. Never mind. I was gonna say make bracelets out of a...
用濒危动物来做首饰 Make bracelets out of the extinct animal?
那肯定不行 因为你需要... That's not gonna really work though, because you need the...
你不能用濒危动物 You can't take from the extinct animal.
那做什么慈善事业好呢 What's the coolest type of charity to get into at the moment?
帮助达尔富尔 Save Darfur?
-帮助什么 -帮助达尔富尔 -Save what? -Save Darfur.
-帮助达尔富尔 是啊 -安吉丽娜·朱莉曾帮过的 -Save Darfur, Yeah. -Angelina Jolie.
那个在哪 伊拉克还是哪啊 Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that?
是 在 应该在 Yeah, that's in the... it's in... yeah.
是 Yeah.
有没有哪个地方没有任何名人帮助过的 Is there anywhere in the world that no celebrity has tried to fix?
达尔富尔问题现在最严重的 Darfur is the big one now.
-是 不 是 -有没有新地方 问题更严重的 -Yeah, no, it is. -What's the new one? What's Dar-five?
-是啊 -是 -Yeah. -Yeah.
我打算通过解决国际难题而蜚声世界 Ich was going to become famous by solving a world problem.
但解决什么问题呢 But which one?
克鲁尼已经帮助过达尔富尔了 Clooney's got Darfur.
斯汀帮助过亚马逊 波诺帮助艾滋病人 Sting's got the Amazon, and Bono's got AIDs.
还好 还有一件没有人想到过 Luckily, there was still one shithole left to fix,
中东 The middle-earth.
只要能让双方 Main plan was to get both sides to sign
在世人面前握手言和 a peace deal in front of the world's press,
肯定能使布鲁诺声名鹊起 Making Bruno super famous.
你好 我太喜欢你的帽子了 太棒了 Hi, I love your hat. It's great.
你好 那是马克·雅各布设计的吗 Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs?
卢茨 卢茨 快开车 Lutz! lutz! Start the car!
卢茨 Lutz!
(以色列前总理顾问阿尔佛 VS. 巴政府发言人克哈提卜)
你为什么这么反鹰嘴豆泥呢 Why are you so anti-Hummus?
我的意思是说 皮塔面包才是对手 I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy?
你肯定把哈马斯和鹰嘴豆泥弄混了 You're confusing Hamas with Hummus, I believe.
-鹰嘴豆泥与哈马斯一点联系也没有 -hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.
你觉得哈马斯和鹰嘴豆泥有关系吗 -Do you think there is a relation between Hamas and Hummus?
哈马斯的创建者不是个厨子吗 So was the founder of Hamas a chef?
他独创了这种食物 因而有很多追捧者 He had created the food and then got lots of followers.
鹰嘴豆泥与哈马斯无关 它是食物 知道吗 吃的 Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas. It's a food. Okay? We eat it.
他们吃那个 They eat it.
是素食 对健康有益 是一种豆类食品 It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans.
你们都这么认为 Well, do you both agree on that?
我们都认为鹰嘴豆泥是有益于健康的 We both agree that Hummus is very healthy.
这么说我们已经开始达成共识了 So we're making progress.
那我们就试着解决问题 好吗 Let's try and get a solution, right?
因为我不能一直呆在这 你们巴勒斯坦 'cause I'm not gonna be here forever. Will you, the Palestinians,
同意把金字塔还给以色列人吗 agree to give the pyramids back to the Israelis?
那在埃及 不在巴勒斯坦 This is in egypt. Not in Palestine.
我不管在哪 你还给人家就完了 I don't care where you put them. Give them back.
这其实是在为你们自己人谋福利 This is about gaining something for your own people
不管你相不相信 不管你坚信与否 Whether you believe it, whether you were convinced to do that.
-但是无论怎么说 -好吧 好吧 别急 女友 -But in any case... -All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend.
好 公民权 -All right. Civil rights...
如果我不能让这些女王们尽快和解 If I did not get these queens to sign a peace deal soon,
我就出名不了了 I would not become famous.
所以我要尽快想出个更好的主意 So I decided to think outside the geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung.
我写了一首歌应该有助于我们达成共识 I've written a song that I think is gonna help us make peace.
事实是 肯定会 In fact, I know it will.
我写了一首歌 I've written a song
希望通过它来团结你们 that I hope is gonna bring you two together
战争该结束了 It's time for this war to end
犹太教徒和印度教徒应该是朋友 Jews and Hindus, you be friends
这里是中东 This is the middle east
点燃爱的火焰是我的职责 Creating love is my mission
不要互相残杀 Don't kill each other
可以杀基督徒啊 Shoot a Christian
我是布鲁诺 和平的使者 Ich bin Bruno, dove of peace
好 能不能更进一步 Yeah, a bit more than that.
我最终以失败告终 Ich was out of options.
唱歌没奏效 我也没能让大家对我着迷 My song hadn't worked, und I didn't have enough ecstasy for everyone.
正当我打算放弃的时候 突然想起 Ich was ready to give up when I suddenly remembered something
那个犹太人所说的 That the jude had said.
近几年来 只要有人被绑架 In the last few years, people were kidnapped,
他们就会像全球直播 and then they would broadcast it to the whole world.
-向全世界 -是的 - to the whole world? - yeah.
这么说全世界都会看到这些人质的录像 So what, the whole world gets to see
当然 当然 - these hostage videos? - of course. of course.
黎巴嫩难民营
我将会因为被绑架而出名 Lch would become famous by getting kidnapped.
恐怖组织头目 阿克萨敢死团
我得说点事 可能会惹得你很生气 I am going to say something that is gonna get you so angry
如果你有枪的话 That if you've got a gun on you,
你会对着我的脑袋开枪 you're gonna pull it out
-你准备好了吗 -好了 - and shoot me in the head. are you ready? - yeah.
你的头发晒伤了 Your hair is sun damaged.
他说你头发晒伤了
我跟你说实话 我想出名 I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous.
我希望这行最出色的人来绑架我 And I want the best guys in the business to kidnap me.
阿尔盖达组织老掉牙了 Al-qaeda is so 2001.
我不想做 I don't like.
我能给你们提点建议吗 Can I give you guys a word of advice?
剃掉大胡子吧 你们的国王拉登 Lose the beards, because your king osama
看上去像个肮脏的巫师 Iooks like a kind of dirty wizard
或是无家可归的圣诞老人 or a homeless santa.
他究竟在说什么
他说你们的国王拉登看上去像个
肮脏的巫师或是无家可归的圣诞老人
滚 立马滚 Get out. get out now.
他们建议我离开中东 Lch was encouraged to leave the middle east.
但我有了个新主意 But bruno had a new plan.
这需要在非洲停一下 It involved stopping off in africa
在回家的路上做点小采购 On the way home for a little bit of shopping.
卢茨 拿着那个
卢茨 这还有一个
卢茨
卢茨 在那边
当心点
麦当娜有一个
布拉安吉丽娜夫妇有一个
现在 布鲁诺也有一个
这可是十三磅的黑金
你得给所有的杂志打电话
我们要拍最好的照片
这会让我很出名的 知道了吗
好的
我的这位非洲小朋友会让我 Mein little afrikanischer freund was going to get me
成为所有杂志的封面人物 On the cover of every magazine.
我雇用了个顶级的摄影师 Also, ich hired a top photographer
并为史上最牛的婴儿写真搞了次海选 Und held a casting for the hottest baby photo shoot ever.
我们准备采用宗教主题 We're gonna do like this religious theme
我的宝宝将被吊在十字架上，模仿耶酥 Where my baby is gonna be on a crucifix playing jesus
我的宝贝是黑人 这很酷吧 不是吗 Even though my baby's black. so it's pretty cool, no?
很酷 有点像麦当娜的录像 That's cool. it's kind of like that madonna video.
是的 这很非主流 我们将颠覆传统 Yeah, it's really edgy. you know, we're turning it on its head.
为什么不呢 无所谓的 Why not? come on. whatever.
我们正找两个孩子扮演小偷 So. we're looking for two thieves to be on the crucifixes
吊在我宝贝旁边的十字架上 next to my baby.
你能接受你的孩子被吊在十字架上吗 Would you be ready for your baby to Be strung up on a crucifix next to mine?
行 我不介意她被挂在十字架上 Fine. yeah, I don't mind her being up on a crucifix.
好的 Sure.
你的小孩能与蜜蜂 马蜂 黄蜂接触吗 Is your baby comfortable with bees, wasps and hornets?
乔治能与所有的东西接触 George is comfortable with everything.
他很棒 he is fine
他看到动物尸体或濒死的动物会不舒服吗 Is he comfortable with dead or dying animals?
不会 Yes.
很好 Great.
-业余科学实验 -这是什么意思 - Amateur science? - What do you mean by that?
就是未经过专业训练的人做些科学实验 you know, some untrained people conducting scientific experience
-应该可以 -呃 她会把几瓶酸 - should be fine - you know Her mixing
混在一起 如此这般 the pots of acid and that type...
-明白了 -那么这是可以啰 - okay. - and so it's a yes.
-是的 -太好了 - yes. - great.
她能承受极高的加速度吗 Is she okay with extremely rapid acceleration?
能 Yes.
-好的 -可以 - okay. - yes.
她坐车总是要坐到座位上吗 还是可以 Does she always have to be in a car seat, or can she just, like,
想怎么坐就怎么坐 Freestyle it?
你可以让她想怎么坐就怎么坐 Yeah. you can freestyle it,
也可以把她放在车座位上 随便你 put her in a car seat. whatever.
如果没椅子看上去好一些的话 If it looks better without the car seat...
当然 当然 Of course. of course.
其实无所谓的 你开快车也不会害死她 So what? you're travelling fast. you're not gonna kill it.
当然 当然 Of course. of course.
你宝宝能呆在废弃的重型机器里面吗 Is your baby fine with antiquated heavy machinery?
是的 她能行 她一直这样 Yeah, she's fine. she's been around that
她能操纵机器吗 Would she be fine to operate them?
-可以 -太好了 - yes. - great.
你的孩子对燃烧的磷有问题吗 Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus?
没问题 Yes.
太好了，他喜欢它吗 Excellent. does he like it?
-超喜欢 -很好 - loves it. - good.
下面的问题有点敏感 她有多重 A little sensitive subject here. how much does she weigh?
大约30磅 She's about 30 pounds.
-30磅 -是的 大致如此 - thirty pounds. - yes. approximately.
奥莉维亚下周能减掉10磅吗 Can olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?
下周 7天之内 In the next week, seven days.
好的 我会尽力而为的 Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.
如果减肥有点问题的话 If there's a problem losing the weight,
你会给奥莉维亚做吸脂手术吗 Would you be ready to have olivia undergo liposuction?
如果她没能成功减肥 If that was a last resort
而这是最后的办法的话 and she didn't lose the few pounds,
那么 是的 我们必须这样做 Then, yeah, we'd have to do that.
太好了 有个好消息 Great. fantastisch news.
我们将让你的宝宝扮成纳粹军官 We have chosen your baby to be dressed as a nazi officer
把另一个扮成犹太人的小孩 Pushing a wheelbarrow with another baby as a jew
装到独轮车里推到烤箱里面去 in it into an oven.
推到烤箱里面 Into an oven?
恭喜你 感觉怎么样 Congratulations. how do you feel?
太好了 如果她能 great, if she got the job.
-选上就太好了 -很好 - that's great. - yeah.
我想办法帮你搞到了
在达拉斯上脱口秀的机会
太好了
OJ 你要上电视了 O.j., you're going to be on television.
卢茨 你终于没有让我彻底失望
谢谢
欢迎回到 理查德·贝谈话秀 Welcome back to today
节目现场 with richard bey.
现在 我们下一位嘉宾是 Now, our next guest is a single parent.
一位单身家长 欢迎布鲁诺 please welcome bruno.
你是哪里人 Where are you from?
奥地利人 I'm from austria.
你对美国人印象怎么样 Austria. and what are your impressions of the american people?
今天在现场的都是美国人哦 You see a lot of them out here.
我得说 我喜欢美国人 I gotta say, I love american people,
我喜欢非裔美国人 and I love african-american people.
你们是最棒的 你们全是最棒的 You're the best. you guys are the best.
好的 好的 你是单身父亲 All right, all right. now, you are a single parent.
-是的 -很多人认为小孩 - yeah. - most people think that a child
应该有两名家长 Should have two parents.
你知道 独自抚养小孩真的很不容易 It is, like, really difficult, you know,
我说得对吧 Bringing up a child without another parent. am I right?
-是这样的 -是这样吧 - right. - right.
我希望我不要独自老去 没错吧 I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone. am I right?
-没错 -没错 Woman 1: true that. true that.
我希望找到我的真命天子 I'm hoping that I find mr right.
-不 -不 - no! - no!
不 不 不 Woman 2: no, no, no, no, no.
亲爱的 你得想清楚 Well, honey, you need to get it together.
你现在是没搞懂而已 sugar, you're lost and confused.
好吧 听着 你只是嫉妒而已 All right, now... listen, you're just jealous
因为你知道我能搞定这里的任何一个男人 'cause you know I can get any guy here.
你试试啊 Woman 3: go get them!
今天 你也带了儿子到录影厂吧 You brought your son here today?
-是的 -我们能看看你儿子吗 - That's right. - can we see your son?
好的 当然可以 Yeah, sure.
好的 这是 All right, this is...
不 不 No no
-什么 -你哪里搞来的小孩 - what? - where did they allow you
你的小孩来自澳大利亚吗 To get your baby from? is your baby from australia?
我当时在中东 解决点问题 I was in the middle east, like, solving the crisis there.
不是什么大事 No big deal. whatever.
我飞回美国的时候 And I flew back here to america,
在一个叫非洲的国家停一下 有问题吗 Und I stopped over in this country called africa, right?
搞清楚了 非洲是个洲 不是个国家 Africa is a continent, not a country, baby. get it right.
好吧 那里到处都是非裔美国人 Well, it is full of african-americans.
那里到处都是非洲人 It's full of africans.
那里到处都是非洲后裔 it's full of people of african descent.
不行 这样叫他们是种族歧视 No. that's a racist thing to call them.
正确的说法是非裔美国人 African-americans is the right word.
不是的 美国的才叫非裔美国人 No. african-americans are here.
不是 他们就被称为非裔美国人 No, they're called african-americans, girlfriend.
不是的 傻瓜 No, fool.
好吧 你怎么得到你儿子的 All right. so how did you find your son?
我拿东西换的 I swapped him.
你换的 什么 Woman 1: you swapped him? woman 2: what?
拿什么可以换个婴儿 Swapped the baby for what?
-用ipod换的 -啥么 - for an ipod. - what?
不是一般的ipod Not just any ipod.
是红色U2限量版的 One that was, like, limited edition, red. a u2 ipod.
你听说过吗 heard of it?
好的 等一下 你现在是孩子的父亲了 All right, but wait a second. you are the baby's father now.
你给小孩穿了件T恤 上面写的什么 And you chose to dress that baby up in a t-shirt that says what?
基B Gayby.
这个不是小孩的名字吧 That's not the baby's name, is it?
不是 我给他取了个传统的非洲名字 No. I gave him, like, a traditional african name.
那他叫什么名字 So what's the baby's name?
OJ(和杀人犯OJ·辛普森同名) O.j.
请站起来 Stand up, please.
我觉得你拿他当玩物 I think you're using him as an accessory.
我认为你拿一个黑人宝宝作为某种工具 I think maybe because he's a black baby that might be your cue,
就像有些人牵着狗逛公园其实是为了泡妞 Iike how some people walk in the park with dogs to pick up girls,
你是想籍此结识一些未出轨的黑人双性恋 That might be your cue to get maybe a down-low brother.
你对此怎么想的 I don't know. what do you think?
我得坦白一点 他对男人真有吸引力 I gotta be honest. he's a real dick magnet.
你带了些你替小孩照的照片过来 You brought some photographs that you took with the child because...
我猜你想表明一下你有多喜欢这个孩子 I guess to demonstrate how much you love the child.
我们把它们放出来 We're going to put them up on this screen.
这是第一张 That's the first shot.
我们看看下一张 Let's see the next picture.
你下地狱去吧 You're gonna burn in hell for that one.
这太糟糕了 That's some mess.
好了 还有吗 还是已经是最后一张了 All right. do we have another photo, or is that the last one?
下一张 There we go.
这是在做什么 What is going on here?
如果我玩得开心的话 If I'm having fun,
我希望OJ跟我一起分享 I want little o.j. to come with me.
我希望他跟我一起开心 I want him to have fun with me.
等等 等等 那是什么 Hold on. hold on. what's that?
-那是什么 -有人吓坏了 - what is that? - someone's scared.
-你把观众吓跑了 -他们接受不了真相 - You're making the audience leave. - they are scared of the truth.
那位女士 请站起来 您讲 Yes, ma'am? stand up, please. go ahead.
我不懂你怎么可能抱着小孩走出来 I don't see how you can even walk out of here with that baby in your hands
没有人把你拦下来 把小孩带走吗 Without someone stopping you and taking that baby out of your possession.
好的 我们的脱口秀还有最后一幕 All right, well, you know, there is a finale to this talk show.
欢迎来自国家儿童服务部的 Please welcome shatonya miggins
莎彤亚·米尔恩斯 from the state child services department.
把小孩带走 Take the baby.
作为儿童福利保护部门 What would be the opinion, the legal opinion of the state,
请问你们对此有什么看法 Which is empowered to look after children and their welfare?
这是不合法的 This child is here illegally.
不 是合法的 我跟他妈妈达成协议了 No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.
我们现在就把这个小孩带走监护起来 And at this time, we're taking the child into protective custody.
你不能那样做 你不能带走 you are not doing that. you're not taking...
小孩被带走了 the child is going...
放开我 那是我的孩子 Get off me. that is my baby.
还给我 把我的孩子还给我 Give him back! give me my baby back!
把我的孩子还给我 把他还给我 Give me my baby! give him back!
求求你们了 回来 Come on! back!
把我孩子还给我 Give me my baby back!
OJ 把孩子还给我 把孩子还给我 O.j.! give me my baby! give me my...
把孩子还给我 OJ Give me my baby! o.j.!
OJ O.j.!
OJ 把我孩子还给我 O.j.! give me my baby back!
你今天想吃点派吗 You want some pie today?
是的 我15年没吃过甜点了 Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,
从我4岁开始就没吃过了 Since I was, you know, four years old.
-4岁 -是的 - since you was four? - yeah.
这是你儿子吗 他真可爱 Is that your boy? he's pretty.
他曾是我儿子 今天被人带走了 That was my boy. he got taken away today.
真替你难过 他多大了 2岁左右吗 I'm so sorry. gosh. what is he, about two?
我想他差不多 我不知道 6岁或者 I think he was about, I don't know, six or...
-有这么大吗 -我不知道 - was he? was he about that age? - i don't know.
他可能是个侏儒 He could've been a midget.
这样的话他可能10岁了 so he could have been 10.
你在做什么
没有了OJ
我胖死掉算了
你还有很多事情可以做啊
我太累了 我走不回去了
卢茨 你真强壮
而且几乎跟墨西哥人一样
你太轻了
布鲁诺 轻得跟羽毛似的
你知道吗 我对你刻薄是因为我喜欢你
布鲁诺 你的梳子压到我的背了
那不是我的梳子
早上好 牛仔 你叫什么名字 Good morning, cowboy. what's your name?
卢茨 Lutz.
钥匙在哪里
打电话叫个人来帮忙
把那个从我脸上拿走 Get that out of my face.
把这个从我 不 卢茨 Move that out of my... no, lutz.
喂 我是酒店监督 Hello? engineering.
我很抱歉让你看到这一幕 Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.
但我保证 厕所里面一尘不染 But can I assure you, the toilet is absolutely spotless.
你能看一下吗 我想钥匙在那边 Can you look? the key, I think, is over there, just...
不 我无能为力 No, I can't do this.
布赖恩 你立马到20楼来一下 Yeah, brian, I need you up here on 20 immediately.
那里有两个男人在床上铐在一起了 Well, no, it's two guys handcuffed together on a bed.
还有个新鲜玩意 顶端是个假阳具 And there's some contraption with a dildo on the end of it.
他们在酒店里呆了有段时间了 And they're asking... they've been staying at the hotel for a while
他们想让我替他们找到钥匙 And wanted to know if I can get the key
因为他们没法起床 For them because they can't get out of bed.
我当时吓得腿都软了 I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.
-进来 -你能告诉我是怎么回事吗 - Come in. - can you tell me what's going on?
你们本来不应该看到这个的 You were not meant to see this.
你拿到钥匙我就能摆脱这玩意了 you find the key, I can get out of this.
现在 你看一下架子底下 Now, can you just look under that shelf...
不 这可不是本该在此的东东 No. this is not what was supposed to be going on in here.
亲爱的 你来告诉我 You're telling me, honey.
我本该跟个6呎4的 I should be chained to a 6'4" norwegian
挪威口交专家绑在一起的 with a phd in sucking dick.
那不关我的事 That's not my concern.
好的 听着 还有一件事 Okay, well, listen, one other thing.
你能关掉电视吗 我刚放了个屁 Can you switch off the television? because I made a fart,
我有可能点播了 And I am on the verge of buying
马格里先生的梦幻王国 mr magorium's wunderbar emporium.
真不幸啊 That's unfortunate.
不 我可不会付点播它的钱 No, but I refuse to pay for mr magorium's wunderbar emporium.
我根本没按它 I did not press it.
不 我想我们不准备做这个 No, I'm afraid we are not gonna be doing that.
嘿 你叫什么名字 叫什么 Hey, listen, you. what's your name? hi. what's your name?
-不要再跟我讲话了 -你好可爱啊 no, don't even talk to me. -you're cute.
就像拉美版的保罗·吉亚玛提 You're like a latino Paul Giamatti.
你别跟我讲话 hey, don't talk to me.
我是不会跟你讲话的 -什么 宝贝 I'm not talking to you. -hey, girlfriend.
上帝憎基佬 反同性恋组织
也不错 至少他们放我们出来了 Also, great. maybe they can let us out.
不好意思 能把我们解开吗 Excuse me, can you unlock us? please.
你好 能帮忙解开吗 hello? can you unlock us?
拜托 帮忙解一下 Please, can you unlock us?
求你了 我的助手快要便在我的蛋蛋上了 Please. my assistant's about to shit on my balls.
这是怎么了 What's going on here?
看起来像什么 保罗·布拉特 What does it look like, Paul Blart?
布鲁诺 Bruno.
这可是我这辈子最爽的一天了 This has been the best day of my life
简直是太棒了 爽透了 It was awesome,fantastic
咱们有情人终于眷属了 We are finally together
你疯了吗 卢茨 Are you mad,Lutz
昨晚上我是鬼迷心窍了 Last night I was wearing "carb goggles"
我都不知道我当时在做什么 I had no idea what I was doing
我当时还在意淫《愤怒印第安》里的辣女 I was high on Ragin' Cajun Potato Skins
我是布鲁诺 I am Bruno
我不会同其貌不扬的助手交往的 I don't date 'Plain Jane' assistants
布鲁诺 没有人会像我这样爱你 Bruno NO one loves you like I do
你也爱我的不是吗 And I know you love me too
接受我吧 不然你会孤独终老 Please take me Or die alone
不要 No
你要去哪里 卢茨 Where are you going Lutz?
你要是走了我可一个子儿都不付给你 If you leave I won't pay you a penny
怎么说你都不会的 You couldn't anyway
你这个烂人 You are broken
总之我不需要你 卢茨 I don't need you anyway, Lutz
我可以自己活的好好的 I can survive perfectly well by myself
我可是布鲁诺啊 I am Bruno
我的人生进入低谷 事业搁浅 Lch was at a low point. Bruno had hit rock arsch.
卢茨走了 我的交友网站上仅仅剩下9个人 Lutz had gone, und ich had only nine freunds left on meinspace.
卢茨 卢茨 Lutz! Lutz!
我就要放弃成为明星的梦想了 I was about to give up on my dream of celebrity,
而突然间 我灵机一动 When suddenly it hit me.
世界上所有的明星 All the most famous stars in the world,
汤姆·克鲁斯 约翰·特拉沃塔 凯文·史派西 都有一个共同点 Tom Cruise,John Travolta, Kevin Soacey, they all had one thing in common.
都是异性恋 They were all straight.
想要出名 我要洗心革面 戒掉男色 To become famous, I would have to quit guys.
我需要找一个能帮我改变的导师 Ich just needed to find a cock-aholics anonymous.
亚拉巴马州
我改变了 我想成为异性恋 Things have got to change. I want to become straight.
-很好 -一旦我成为异性恋 -awesome. -once I'm straight,
我还可以吹单簧管吗 Can I still play the clarinet?
当你吹单簧管时你不再回想起 If it doesn't remind you about some of the behaviour
那些你曾经的经历 That you engaged in when you put your lips around it.
如果你能做到 我觉得没问题 If it doesn't remind you of that, then I say go for it
你可以把自己的内心 And play the clarinet
全部通过单簧管表达出来 with everything inside of you.
但如果那依然让你回想起同性恋经历 If it does remind you of that,
我建议你还是别吹了 then I say put it down,
把它丢得远远 或寄存到朋友那直到你醒悟 Give it away, let a friend hold it until you know in your mind
直到你准备好重新开始 You're ready to pick it up again
并且过去不会再困扰你 and it wouldn't remind you of that.
那我如果想把长笛插进我的肛门里呢 Und what about if I put a flute up my stinker?
这个... 你不应该那样做 That... I wouldn't do that either
因为它让你回想起来以前的生活 because it Would remind you of the former lifestyle.
所以你坚决不会把管乐器插进你的肛门 So you don't put any woodwind instruments up your arschwitz.
-当然不行 你知道为什么不 -为什么 -absolutely not. you know why? -why?
因为那有害于我的身体 那样会很痛 Because that would harm my body. that would hurt...
你把簧片取下来就不痛了 -那么 only if you lose the reed. -okay.
这样做...都是非常不好的 Well, that would... that would be bad.
有没有什么音乐适合我听听 或者乐队 Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to? any bands?
西尼德·奥康纳 蓝色少女 Sinead O'Connor The Indigo Girls.
当然还有 乡村人 Of course,The Village People.
当我成为一个异性恋 你知道 一个正常人 When I become straight, you know, a kuntmeister,
是不是有什么新的嗜好我应该去培养 Are there any new hobbies that I should take up?
-你喜欢徒步旅行吗 举重呢 -当然 -do you enjoy hiking? lifting weights? -sure.
兄弟 在直男身边 Man, there's nothing like just working out
举举重 健健身 练练肌肉 And lifting weights and building your muscles
那种锻炼啊 Around some other men who are not gay.
对于同志来说我绝对是秀色可餐 I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.
他们见了我很可能会非礼我 They see me und they want to schtupp me.
-是吗 -那我应该则样避免他们的骚扰呢 right. -so how do I protect against those guys?
如果他们靠近你 揍他然后转身就跑 If they get close to you, hit them and leave the situation.
有办法认出同性恋吗 How do you spot the homosexual?
那可难了 Very hard to do.
因为他们中的许多人 Because some of them
穿着和你我都没什么两样 don't even dress no different than myself or you.
-一点没错 -是吧 amazing. -you know?
就有点像恐怖分子 It's kind of like terrorists.
如果恐怖分子打算渗透进局子里去 If a terrorist has infiltrated a police department
他就得穿的跟个警察似的 And he dresses like the policemen,
你又怎么知道他是悍匪 how would you know that's him?
有没有些明显的方面以便我们观察 What are obvious things that we can look for?
明显的方面就是有人殷勤地跟你套近乎 Obvious is a person that's being extremely nice to them to start with.
如果有人主动接近你 So if someone approaches you in the street und is being very,
对你表现的非常非常温柔 Very nice to you,
就可以判断他是个同性恋 You know that they are a homosexual?
基本上是这样 Most likely.
我如何保护自己避免受到同性恋的骚扰 How should I protect myself from being attacked by homosexuals?
他们大多是从后面进攻的 They probably would attack from behind.
好吧 假设我就是个同性恋 So, again, if I am a homosexual,
我就要试图去接近你来吻你 And I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...
- 别 你进入禁区了 -好的 -boom! you done moved in the wrong range. -right.
再来讨论一下同志在地上抓到你的情况 Let's say the homosexual has got you on the ground.
好的 Okay.
同志就开始像这个样子 你知道 Und the homosexual, you know, has got you down here.
-好的 -我开始脱你的裤子 -right. -i go to pull this down.
我就会锁这里 锁腿部 锁住 i want to lock this, lock this leg here. -touching.
-是的 -肘击 -yeah. -hit with the elbow.
啵 像我这样转过身来 Boom. as I roll across.
你有是如何防御人造阳具的呢 How do you protect yourself from a dildo?
那就比如说我打算... So let's say I'm trying...
这里 你知道 Here, you know.
像这样 明白吗 Like that. you know?
然后卸掉假阳具吗 Und disarm the dildo?
是的 Yes.
像这种黑色的阳具很难防御吧 Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?
-不难 -太好了 -no. -great.
这个和其他的一样好防御 One is just as easy as the other to defend against.
-那我这样进攻 -啵 -so, I'm attacking. -boom.
-像这样 -我躺下 然后我... -like that. -let's say I go down and l...
这样 使用膝盖 使用手肘 Trap it, work the knees. work the elbows.
你又是怎么防御同时有两个阳具的男人 How do you defend yourself against the man with two dildos?
过来进攻 啵 Coming in. here. boom.
看好他的位置 啵 然后是他的脸 啵 Depending on his range. boom. then to his face. boom.
明白吗 连环踢 啵 Okay? kick around, boom.
这样就将把他制伏了 He can't do nothing from there.
如果他脱掉裤子就这样跑过来怎么办 And if he's just running with his pants down?
这里 啵 然后是眼睛 Here. boom. and then to the eyes.
-同志攻击你的屁屁 -腿的这里 -homosexual attacking your bum. -leg here.
然后近身折他的手臂 击打这里 这里 And then come in and break his arm. take it here, take him out.
废掉他的胳膊 啵 踢软肋 击打胳膊 Break his arms. boom, break his ribs. break his arms.
非常感谢了 太绝了 Okay. thank you very much. fantastisch.
-没问题的 -太实用了 -okay. -it's very useful.
这和我以前的工作相比感觉真是不同 That's just totally different than what I've ever tried to, you know, Work with.
那么你从来都不是同志 So you were never gay?
你的嘴唇很适合的 可真讽刺 It's ironic that you should have amazing blow job lips.
我的嘴唇是用来歌颂上帝的 Well, these lips were made to praise jesus.
不对 它们也可以用来干别的 No, they were made for something else,
你只是不用而已 But you're just not using it for them.
也对 Well...
你能不能给我一些建议 Are there any activities you suggest
有什么直男做的东西我可以试试 Where I'll be surrounded just by straight guys?
齐步走 齐步走 Let's go! let's go! let's go! let's go!
仰卧起坐 俯卧撑 -push ups! sit ups! -push ups! sit ups!
-麻利点 到这里来 -什么 -hurry up. get in here. -was?
整理床铺 快点 整理床铺 Make this bed. hurry up. make the bed.
这有没有 或许双人间... But do you have something, maybe a double...
少废话 整理床铺! Make the bed!
能帮我在那边扶一下床单吗 Could you hold the sheet over there?
不行 I'm not holding anything.
-趴下 趴下 -什么 -get down. get down. -was?
我让你趴下 做俯卧撑 I said, get down! do push ups.
你不可以越过这条线 This line right here is a line that you don't cross.
这是长官通道 属于长官的 This is tac alley. tac officer's...
你又越界了 这是我的通道 You're in it again. this is my alley.
我不想在你的通道里 I don't want to be in your alley.
那你就别在我的通道里 Yeah, well, get out of it.
你的手指在我的通道里 your finger's in my alley.
现在没有了 Not yet.
还有 你的军装呢 赶快去换军装 By the way, where's your uniform? go get your uniform on.
快去 Do it!
我滴神啊 Oh, my gosh.
哪里来的围巾啊 What's up with the scarf?
这个 是我自己的东东 That is, like, it's my own thing.
找个人来治你 迈尔斯长官 Let me introduce you to somebody. captain Miles.
新来的 你干什么呢 Candidate, what are you doing?
军姿 新兵 Stand at the position of attention, candidate.
快点儿! 头摆正 目视前方 -do it! do it! -head and eyes straight forward, candidate.
头摆正 目视前方 这样站 新兵 Head and eyes straight forward. stand still, candidate.
制服里不包括围巾 新兵 脱掉它 That is not part of the uniform, candidate. you need to take that off.
这个围巾和制服多搭啊 This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,
我就是打算遮住这个简单的水平线 And so I was just trying to break it up with some simple horizontal lines.
你有意见吗 新兵 我们让你汇报了吗 Do you have an attitude, candidate? do we detect an attitude?
-长官 是她有意见 -什么 -sir, she's got an attitude. what?
新兵 你刚才说我是女的吗 Sir officer candidate, did you just call me "she"?
俯卧撑 新兵 快! -get down, candidate! now! -do it!
这是什么牌子的腰带 新兵 What type belt is that, candidate?
这是什么东西 What is that?
-D&G牌的 -什么是D&G -d&g. -what is d&g?
Dolce&Gabbana 这都不知道吗 Dolce und Gabbana. hello?
顶嘴? -"hello"? -"hello"?
-在前面这里 -趴下 俯卧撑 -front in the rest position. -get down, you!
新兵长官 你应该得一枚优质皮肤勋章了 Sir officer candidate, you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.
你说什么呢新兵...你想说什么 What are you talking... what are you trying to say, candidate?
新兵长官 Sir officer candidate,
你这种人在这狗日的军队里只是个普通人 You could be a general in the bitch army the way you're going.
-你敢再骂一遍吗 -你再骂一遍试试 -did you use profanity again? -did you use profanity?
你们真是太讨厌了 But you're being really nasty.
新兵导读里禁止新兵骂人 The oc guide states that I will not use profanity while I'm at ocs.
是的长官(德语) 是的长官 Yes, mein fuhrer. yes, officer candidate.
快点弟兄们 快点 出发了 Hurry up! man 1: hurry up! let's go!
这个是我的 你最好自己弄 兄弟 yeah, this is mine. you better help your buddy.
离开我的长官通道 Get out of my tac alley.
快点 快点 在那里集合 hurry up! hurry up! move over there!
-敬礼 -用你的右手敬礼 -salute! -salute with your right hand.
用你的右手敬礼 Salute with your right hand.
-你那姿势不是敬礼 -你那不叫敬礼 -that's not a salute. -that's not a salute.
那不是敬礼 That's not a salute.
我能跟你讲讲那个改变我一生的人吗 Can I tell you about the person that changed my life?
是卡尔·拉格菲尔德吗 Was it Karl Lagerfeld?
不 事实上 是耶稣 No, actually, his name is jesus.
耶稣他此刻就在这个房间里 jesus is in this room right now.
他从未离开过我们 He never leaves us.
从未抛弃过我们 他就在这里 he never forsakes us. he's here.
神奇 Amazing.
对的 他是神奇的 That's exactly right. he's amazing.
你想成名 假如你有朝一日名声大噪了 布鲁诺 You want to be famous. you'll be one that's so famous, Bruno,
你就将会为全世界希望摆脱 You will prepare the way for other young men all over the world
同性恋倾向的青年们开辟一条道路 Who want to come out of the homosexual
创造一种改变他们生活的方式 Lifestyle and make a change in their lives.
到时候他们会说"布鲁诺 可以做到 我们也可以做到" And they'll say, "lf Bruno can do it, then I can do it.
"他是怎样改变的 他是怎样改变的 布鲁诺 " "how did he change? how did you change, Bruno?"
他们会说"是上帝改变了他" And they'll say, "it's jesus. he changed me."
而且上帝现在就要进入你的心灵 But he wants to come into your heart right now.
你准备好作出改变了吗 Are you ready to make that change?
你是在勾引我吗 Are you hitting on me?
不 我没有 No, I'm not.
那太好了 因为我觉得 Okay, good, 'cause I just...
刚才你的那段话 真有些性感 That was, like, really hot, that whole speech.
有没有一些入门的活动 Are there any outdoor activities
能让我成为异性恋 That I should do if I want to become straight?
当然 Absolutely.
-你好 -你好 -hi. -hello.
卡尔曼镇
-迈克 -布鲁诺 -布鲁诺 -Mike. Bruno. -Bruno.
你好 Hey. great.
-我是东尼 -布鲁诺 -i'm Donny. -Bruno.
罗伯特 Robert.
你以前打过猎没有 -you ever been hunting?
我从来没有杀过任何小动物 -I've never killed an animal.
尽管我曾经在米克诺斯岛闷死过一只仓鼠 Although, I did once suffocate a hamster in Mykonos.
说说女人吧 你们喜欢阴道还是喜欢乳房? The women, eh? do you prefer the vagina or the mammary glands?
-我喜欢阴道 -我也是 -i prefer the vagina. -me, too.
我喜欢阴道美的女人 I love a woman with a vagina.
是啊 Yeah.
我最喜欢这种了 My favourite.
看到有什么猎物了吗 Didn't see anything.
我们在谈论阴道呢 We were just talking about vaginas.
谈什么 About what?
阴道 就是女人的阴道 Vaginas. the woman's vagina.
讲关于阴道的事情 我们都非常喜欢 Sharing stories and saying how much we enjoy them.
是的 Yes.
非常有趣 Really fantastisch.
绝对是好东西 Really wonderful things.
我的最爱 It's my favourite.
太棒了 This is wonderful.
看 那有只兔子 This is what rabbit look like.
看看咱们四个人 Look at the four of us.
是不是很像欲望都市里面那四个小妞 we are so like the sex and the city girls.
不 我们可都不像 No, we aren't, either.
你像哪一个 东尼 Which one are you, donny?
我哪个都不像 我是东尼 I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny.
你的口气很像萨曼莎 That is such a samantha thing to say.
我以前从来没有出过城 I've never been out of the city before.
你没出过城 那是怎样的感觉 You haven't? how's it feel?
我感觉有一点伤感 I feel a bit vulnerable.
你知道 我19岁 我有完美的身体 You know, I'm 19 years old, I've got a perfect body.
我真不想明天一早起来 You know, I really don't want to wake up tomorrow morning und find
发现我的屁眼干裂掉 That I'm torn in my arschenholer.
你不会是唯一有这个担心的人 You probably ain't the only one.
我绝对不会 Me, either, definitely.
天上有好多星星啊 Wow, there's so many stars in the sky.
数不胜数 Full of them.
让人想到世界上所有性感的男人 Makes you think of all the hot guys in the world.
我们要挤一个帐篷还是有更好的建议 Do we all share one tent or what's more sensible?
我不想挤一块 I hope not.
迈克
谁啊
好吧
是我 布鲁诺
我很肯定东尼是同性恋
什么
我想我们在一起会更安全
如果我睡进你的帐篷
我不想骂人
滚进你的帐篷 我要一个人睡
好吧 晚安
做个好梦
迈克
很抱歉打扰你
我能进来吗
-熊把我的衣服都吃了 -混蛋
他把所有的都消化了 除了这些避孕套
快滚
好吧 迈克 你要是改变主意了就告诉我
好了 我受够了 All right, god damn it.
(一周后)口交牧师发现我太棘手了 Reverend bj found me too much of a handful
就把我推给了他的死党 And put me in touch with one of his chums.
你穿得很正常 You look decent in that.
同性恋治疗第二阶段 保罗·卡梅伦医生
看起来像个直男 为什么 Look like a straight guy, how's that?
女人对我们有好处 Women are good for us.
她们是好东西 They're good even though
即使她们对我们苛刻 They appear to us to be terribly conventional.
有时候让我们火大 And we find that somewhat irritating
太爱抱怨 That they complain so much.
-没错 -但我们需要她们 -Right. -But we need that.
我们需要的很多东西 We need many of the things
第一眼看着都让人讨厌 惹人生气 That, at first glance, are annoying and irritating.
女人的谈话通常都没有主题 And women often don't stick to the point.
她们经常说这件事的时候 They're often talking about one thing.
就突然跳到下一件 再下一件 And then another and then another,
也许永远都回不到原点 And they never get back to the first point maybe ever.
我厌恶要和女人做爱的想法 I am repulsed by the idea of making the sex with a woman.
重要的是你要能找到 The important thing is to be around women,
让你可以忍受或者感点兴趣的女人 Somewhat, that you find tolerable or interesting
给她们机会勾引你 And give them a chance to seduce you.
换妻派对
你们是怎么搞到一起的？ How did you get into it?
事实上我们的第一次是在我们的... We, actually, our first time was on our...
-蜜月旅行里 -没错 - Our honeymoon. - Yeah.
我们的换妻狂欢夜是从蜜月开始的 Of all nights for us to swing, the first time was for our honeymoon.
你最喜欢什么体位 And what is your favourite position?
应该是传教士式和背式女上位 That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.
什么是背式女上位 What's reverse cowgirl?
示范一下 我来当女人 Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman.
比如我坐在这而... Like, I'm sitting here, and...
没错 我是女人 没关系 怎么弄 Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman... don't worry. yeah, so what?
你这样坐着 You'd be sitting like that,
-这就是背式女上位 -是这样啊 - And that's called reverse cowgirl. - Right. Right.
如果我们面对面 就是女上位 And then when you're facing me, that's called cowgirl.
这是女上位还是背式女上位 This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl?
女上位 This is cowgirl.
你转过去就是背式女上位 And then when you're turned the opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.
还有没有其他体位 Und what other positions are there?
-动力机式 -没错 - Power driver. - Right.
69式 Sixty-nine.
但我是女孩的位置 But this is the girl's position.
如果你是男人就不会想在这个位置的 You don't want to be like this if you're a guy.
有传教士式 老汉推车式 There's missionary, doggy style.
什么叫老汉推车 So what's doggy style like?
你把身体弯下来 就像在推车 You'd be bent over, like a dog does it.
像这样 Yeah. Like that?
好的 然后你干什么 All right, and then what would you be doing?
你要是女人 我就干你 If you was a woman, I would be humping you.
-来 示范给我看 -我可不示范 - No, show me. - I'm not gonna show you.
-你是个男人 -又不是搞同性恋 - You're a man. - Don't be a faggot.
来吧 有什么了不起 不过是男人之间 Come on. What's the big deal? It's just a couple of guys.
我会这样干你 I'd be humping you like that.
我迫不及待要把这招用在女人身上 Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman.
有人要三明治或者别的什么吗 Anybody want a sandwich or something?
干得好 Yeah. Great.
非常好 实际上你的头发很有型 Very good. You've got great hair actually.
谢谢 Thank you.
太爽了 That was great.
好男孩 Good boy.
真爽 Fuck, yeah.
你干得真棒 You're doing a great job.
谢谢 Thank you.
来吧 Jack 看着我的眼睛 Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes.
看着我的眼睛 你能做到 Look me in the eye. You can do this.
小子 Dude.
他正在看我的私处 干嘛要看你的眼睛 Why would he look you in the eyes when he's looking at a pussy?
他干嘛要看你的眼睛 Why would he look you in the eyes?
我只是想让他集中精神 No, no. just for concentration.
他不会看男人的... He does not look in a guy's...
我不需要看着你来集中精神 好吗 I don't need you for concentration, okay?
那就看着她的眼睛 Look her in the eye.
这是换妻派对 拜托 This is a fucking swingers party. Okay?
如果你不需要姑娘 不想做爱... If you don't want pussy, if you don't want fucking...
-不 我想... -别碰我 - No, I want... - Then quit fucking touching me
别再让我看你的眼睛了 好吗 And quit telling me to look at you in the eye. Okay?
我到这来不是搞同性恋的 好吗 I didn't come here for no fucking queer shit. Okay?
-我也不是 -很好 - Me, neither. - Okay.
-这点要搞清楚 -酷 - Let's keep it at that then. - Cool.
这是个换妻派对 对吧哥们 This is a fucking swingers party. Right, guys?
我知道你想干什么 伙计 I see what the fuck you're doing, dude.
他怎么没有把那个同性恋 Did he not try to pull
-从这弄出去 -你好吗 - that queer shit on you out there? - Hi. How you doing?
我不想让那个蠢货摸我的背 I don't need this motherfucker touching me on the back,
告诉我看他的眼睛 没错吧 Telling me to look him in the fucking eye. Right?
-我正要去厨房 -我知道 来吧 - I was just going to the kitchen. - I know, yeah. Come on.
这是什么 把衣服脱了 What's this shit? Let's take this off.
也许我们该先认识一下 Let's maybe we get to know each other a little.
-我想你破坏了感觉 -我不在乎 - I think you broke that, actually. - I don't give a fuck.
好吧 我们应该先认识一下 Yeah, there is... Let's get to know each other a little bit first.
认识一下 什么 Know each other? What?
你一定能产很多奶 You must produce a lot of milk.
我不希望你做会让你后悔的事 I don't want you to do something that you'll regret.
第二天醒来 发现失贞了 你很羞愧 You wake up tomorrow, you've lost your virginity, and you feel ashamed.
我们可以放慢脚步 You know, let's take this a little slower.
-我们应该重新计划一下 -给老娘坐下 - We should reschedule. - Sit the fuck down.
快坐下 别乱动 Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around!
我们应该按正常的步骤来 No, let's do this the right way.
我去找你父亲 和他坐下来好好谈谈 I go, and I sit down with your father, we talk about this.
-如果他允许... -什么 - If he gives his permission... - What?
你别婆婆妈妈了 Would you quit being a little bitch here
是你自己脱内裤还是要我动手 And take your little briefs off before I fucking rip them?
等等 好吧 Wait. Yes.
-好吧 -很好 - Yeah. - fine.
-谢谢 -好的 很好 - Thanks. - Okay. Great.
我不喜欢那玩意 I don't like this little shit.
我想来个真正的异性做爱 Yes, well, I want to really make this heterosexual sex.
肯定很精彩 It's going to be fantastisch!
照我说的做 把那玩意脱掉 马上 Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now!
-别...要折一下 -混蛋 - Don't... you fold them. - Fuck.
你应该把他们叠好 You gotta fold that neatly.
别这样糟蹋羊皮 它会脏的 You don't treat suede like that. It stains.
快坐下 把它脱了 Sit the fuck down. Take it off!
我有个主意 我们来玩个变装游戏 I've got an idea. Let's play a little bit of dress-up here.
会很刺激的 It will be erotisch.
这是什么 你要我扮成男的 What is this? you gonna dress me like a man?
不 这只是胡子 No, it's just a beard.
-我为什么要戴胡子 -这只是... - Am I supposed to wear a beard? - It's just a...
来吧 肯定很有意思 Come on, it will be fun.
我不戴胡子 I don't need a beard.
把他脱掉 马上 Take it off! now!
一旦你戴上... Once you put the...
-混蛋 脱掉 -好的 我... - Fuck! take it off. - Okay. I'm...
-好吧 我脱 -现在就脱 - Okay, I'm going to do this. - Right now!
跪下来舔我的靴子 贱人 Get on your fucking knees and suck my spike here, bitch.
好的 救命 Okay. Help!
别乱跑 Don't fuck around!
别再叫我同性恋 Don't call me gay!
我会变成直男的 I'm gonna become straight.
会变得超直 I'm gonna become uber straight.
我会成为有史以来最直的直男 I'm gonna be the straightest man who's ever lived.
到时我会出名的 你们等着瞧 等着瞧 And then I'll be famous. You'll see. You'll see.
8个月后
阿肯色州准备好了吗 大家准备好了吗 What's up, Arkansas? how's everybody doing?
准备好看今晚的摔跤了吗 You guys ready to see a little ass kicking tonight?
大家来点掌声 Make some noise, everybody.
把你们的手伸出来 给点掌声 Put your hands together. Make some noise
为我们全新节目的主持人 For the host of the brand-new TV show,
直男戴夫摔跤秀 Straight Dave's man slammin' maxout.
掌声欢迎直男戴夫 Give it up for straight Dave!
直男戴夫 直男戴夫 Straight Dave. Straight Dave.
准备好看男人的摔打了吗 Are you ready for some man-slamming action?
有人准备好挨老牌男人的拳头吗 Who's ready for an old-fashioned heterofest?
你们是像我一样百分百的异性恋吗 Are you 100% hetero like me?
有谁为自己是直男而自豪 Who out there is proud to be straight?
让我听见你们喊直男自豪 Let me hear you say straight pride.
-直男 自豪 -直男 自豪 - Straight pride. - Straight pride.
直男 自豪 Straight pride.
-直男 自豪 -直男 自豪 - Straight pride. - Straight pride.
我是超级直男 我买了房子以后 I am so straight that when I bought my house,
做的第一件事就是堵住我家的后门 The first thing I did was brick up the back door.
你们知道为什么吗 因为我的肛门是用来拉屎的 You know why? Because my asshole's just for shitting.
让我听见你们的声音 Let me hear you say that.
我的肛门只用来拉屎 My asshole's just for shitting.
能和直男共度今宵实在太棒了 It's great to have an evening with straight people.
真高兴这里没有同性恋 It's great not to have any fags here.
你就是个同性恋 You're a faggot!
谁说我是同性恋 Who called me a faggot?
喊我是同性来的人上台来 Whoever called me a faggot come up here,
我要踢爆你的屁股 And I'll beat your arsch.
谁说直男Dave是同性恋 上台来 Who called straight Dave a faggot? Come up here.
放他进来 Let him in.
谁想看我踢这个同性恋的屁股 Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass?
谁想看我踢这个... Who wants me to beat this...
揍他 Fuck him up!
揍他 狗娘养的 Get him, motherfucker!
踢他屁股 Beat his fucking ass!
踢他屁股 Kick his ass!
揍这个同性恋 Fucking fag!
-同性恋 -狗娘养的 - Homo! Queer fags! - Motherfuckers!
停下 停下 Stop! stop!
滚出我的城市 你们都是疯子 Get out of my town. You all are sick.
告诉他阿肯色州没有同性恋 Tell him we don't have no faggots here in Arkansas.
把那对狗屎弄去别的地方 Take that shit somewhere else.
你们这对狗娘养的屁精 You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker!
揍他 揍他 Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!
揍他 揍他 Fuck that shit! fuck that shit!
视频在全世界播出 The footage went everywhere,
布鲁诺家喻户晓了 And Bruno became uber famous.
至于卢茨 我们决定在加州结婚 As for Lutz, we decided to get married in California.
但由于当地的法律 我们不得不发挥一点创意 But because of the law, we had to be a bit inventive.
我觉得这是你人生中最重要的一步 I feel this is the biggest step you'll ever make in your lifetime.
-是非常重要的一刻 -没错 - It's a very big moment. - That's right.
在开始之前我会见到她吗 Am I going to be able to meet her before we actually start?
当然 Sure.
我...我不为两个男人或两个女人证婚 I... I don't marry two men or two women.
如果她是男人 怎么会生下我儿子呢 If she's a man, then how did it give birth to our son?
你生了一个黑人孩子 You gave birth to a little black child?
是的 Yes.
什么时候怀孕的 When did you have the baby?
我都不知道我怎么会问这个问题 I don't even know why I'm asking that question.
尽管婚没结成 But even though marriage was a nicht-nicht,
但我们是不会为这个沮丧的 We weren't gonna let it get us down.
我们很快乐 我们相互拥有 We were happy. We had each other.
而且我们要回了OJ And we had O.J. back,
尽管他让我们花了一个苹果笔记本 Although he did cost us a macbook pro.
另外 我现在非常有名 Plus, Ich was now so famous
我们录了一支自己的慈善MV That I was able to record mein very own charity video.
我写了一首歌 I've written a song
我希望世界大同 That I hope is gonna bring the world together
放下枪支和弹药 Put down your guns and bombs
只是不停做爱 And just make love forever
好的 再来 Okay, then.
他为拯救世界而来 He's come to heal the world
让所有国家更祥和 And make all nations calmer
我是奥地利的耶稣 I am the Austrian Jesus
他是白人奥巴马 He is the white Obama
他是白人奥巴马 He's the white obama
仇恨和恐惧之上是什么 War's just based on hate and fear
韩国朝鲜停止战争 Stop fighting, north and south korea
你们都是中国人 You're both basically chinese
他是布鲁诺 和平鸽 And he's Bruno, dove of peace
布鲁诺 管他婊子怎么说 Hey, yo, Bruno, where the bitches at?
你是布鲁诺 和平鸽 You are bruno, dove of peace
你做到了 你是超模 你最靓 You do it, fashion model you got the cute hos
你是布鲁诺 和平鸽 You are Bruno, dove of peace
我爱黑人 我是巧克力狂人 You know, I love black guys. I'm a chocoholic.
你是布鲁诺 和平鸽 Du bist bruno, dove of peace
布鲁诺希望和平 Bruno wants peace.
我们要和平 不要斗争 Either we gonna have peace, or we gonna have motherfucking war.
我对第三世界有个梦想 I have a dream for the third world
干净的水和粮食 还有教育 Clean water, food and teaching
在每一个乡村和城镇 In every village and every town
都有一家菊花美容院 A place for anal bleaching
我们需要没有饥饿的世界 We need to rid the world of hunger
我喜欢布鲁诺 如果他再年轻点 I'm like Bono, except much younger
他只有19岁 He's only 19
他是布鲁诺 和平鸽 Ich bin Bruno, dove of peace
他是同性恋 他是同性恋 Hey, hey, he gay, he gay
好了 Okay.